I woke up this morning feeling off from the dream that I had last night – a feeling of being alone was the essence of the dream. I tried to talk myself out of it and justify it by remember the “nicer” (more acceptable) parts of the dream. Didn’t really work.

So I mustered up the courage to sit with myself and allow myself to feel “being alone”. Then the memories came – as a child I felt alone after my mum’s passing and my dad handing me over to the aunt. Like – I was left alone, no body cared and I wasn’t even allowed to express the sadness I felt because that would upset others. Now I was getting somewhere, getting in touch with the part of me that was still carrying these heavy feelings, hiding them, pretending to be strong and happy to the point they got stuck in the recesses of my subconscious mind and only after decades, that it felt somewhat safe to go there.

So I went there, felt the feelings, felt as alone as one would – feeling abandoned by both my parents. Unfortunately, no one around me knew what to do or how one could help me process these. Their way to console me was to tell me to stop crying. They were hurt little kids who didn’t know how to deal with their own feelings, let alone help a child. Suppression was the way to deal with any feelings and then have those come out in fits of anger… They weren’t safe to be around either. Dis-regulated nervous systems all around. Lucky me! By the way, what we don’t express or suppress sits in the body as resistance creating blocks to what we so deeply desire. Is it any surprise that I want a relationship so bad?! I digress, back to the feeling…

My mind’s impulse with the feeling from the dream was to brush it aside and tell me it’s not true. That it’s an illusion. Just because the adult can see the illusion doesn’t mean the child can also – not at the same speed at least, not right now. I allowed myself to go there and feel alone and everything else that was there with it. I let myself/the child cry it all out and the tears come and go and that’s part of the process. I am not rushing the child to feel it all right now – she can feel when she wants to and I have space for her to express whatever she wants to express whenever she wants to express. She is my priority now and I am here with her at all times – giving her time and space to trust me. What my role now is to make sure she doesn’t have any more evidence of feeling alone by me abandoning her by not allowing the expression of those feelings.

However, the mind wants to hurry up and get to the part of being free of the illusion (hence resist what is happening or being expressed). My job here is to be aware of it and remind it that its safe for it to feel and express and I am here with it and for it. I am no longer interested in bypassing any feelings that come up, they come up to be released and I naturally feel better and freer as a byproduct of that expression. I am no longer resisting what it is or what was. This is what helps the nervous system also – for it to find balance and harmony. It needs to feel safe. Safe to be and safe to express.

We find total acceptance when we are okay with everything that is and has been and will be. The mind believes that if we feel those feelings, then we are doomed to be alone…hence the suppression. For the child it was rough, the adult can handle it should they choose to. And creation works through expression of it all – we can only create something when we are free of the resistance to it. Those unexpressed feelings/resistance create only that – more of what is being suppressed (aloneness)… however, if one can release those, then the connections are to be found all around – in the past as well as the future.

We can start to dismantle the illusion that was perceived and experienced by the child – only after she feels safe to express and has expressed it fully. Now, we can support the mind in the recognition of the illusion by accepting the reality of the child and gently starting to reframe it by creating more evidence for her to believe that she isn’t alone now. As we do this, we allow any resistance stored in the body to be released and free up the nervous system to feel a greater level of safety and balance. Old feelings/thoughts may come up and will come up – that’s where you can start to see it for the illusion that it was and keep releasing those feelings – without assigning any meaning to them. Eventually, you will be free of them – sometimes, it may take a day or a week or longer – it can take as long as it takes as long as you keep remembering the illusion that it is. And now, we are safe to create what we desire.

Simply put, as has been said by many others before me, what you resist, persists. The only way forward is to move through it, not around it. Trust yourself that you are big enough to hold space for it all. And willing enough. After all, its not real!