I am choosing to write this post in first person.

When I first heard the concept that you can change your life and you need to take responsibility for everything in your life… I was all about it. I wanted change so bad that I was willing to take 100% responsibility for everything my life.

But there were glitches in my understanding and application. I even applied being responsible for what happened in my childhood. It was trauma on repeat everyday in some form including sexual abuse. And I thought I (as the child) was responsible for it all – and at some point, that responsibility turned into self blame and self loathing for causing so much pain and suffering. The part being blamed was my soul that “chose” these experiences and abandoned me when the going got rough. And I was mad at the child who went through it all also and blaming the child for my suffering in the present. Would anyone in their right mind blame a child for being sexually abused? Absolutely not. As I now understand, I can only to be responsible for what thoughts I allow in my mind, what feelings and ways of being are normalised in my body and heart in the here and now. And what my conversations within my mind are about myself and others. The actions I choose to take or not take in the present.

I want to address the child for a minute. The child can not be held responsible for anything at all. The child only looks to adults around them for what they need to do and how to behave. The responsibility is for the adults to take, not the child. This distinction is extremely important. The child did not know any better and didn’t even have the mental faculties fully developed at the time for the child to be made responsible for anything at all. The adults around the child are responsible for teaching the child and showing the way. Children learn from mirroring adults around them, namely their parents as the starting point. What the adults are doing energetically, in their actions, words etc is adopted by the child as the way of being to keep itself safe. If the child is surrounded by hurt people, the child will be hurt in ways one may not even comprehend and is never to be blamed for the hurt/abuse/errors in thinking/beliefs it adopts as a result.

What I am responsible for is not the hurt that was caused to the child but for the healing. My responsibility is to create safety for the child now because the child lives within me. We have all heard of the “inner child”, right? The inner child actually runs the show, whether we like to admit it or not. I generally put the inner child and the subconscious mind in the same category. It’s the experiences of the child that form the sub conscious beliefs and ways of being, so they go hand in hand. As an adult, I would act responsibly for a while and then find myself sabotaging when it mattered – because the sub conscious took over and had me eating that extra ice cream or spending or being judgmental. So I would get close to what I wanted and then I would self sabotage and further gaslight myself for not following through, confirming yet again that I couldn’t have what I wanted. You see the vicious circle that kept me going around in circles form one hack/technique/coach to next, because the child still believed she was meant to suffer and not have what she wanted?

For any real and lasting change, the inner landscape needs changing. That’s what changing your energy/thoughts/words to change your life means. That’s my responsibility in every moment. Taking responsibility happens in the present moment, the past you or the future you are not responsible. Past me did the best that she knew how and the future me will do the best she would know depending on what I do in the moment. So there’s that – your point of power is always in the present. I am now responsible for the healing of the inner child/subconscious. It is my responsibility to give the child the sense of safety and love she needs. Often our so called “wants/goals” are what we (as little children) thought would have gotten us the love/safety/approval we needed as children. Hence, often one may get the goal only to be followed by some serious discontent and then go on the next goal. Most Type A personalities live in this headspace.

Radical responsibility starts with my thoughts/words/energy, not only in my actions. It starts with taking stock of what feelings I generally spend my days in. What is the energy I am choosing to be in? What am I saying about others to myself and about myself to myself in my mind? Am I saying loving things? Am I in an energy of love or fear (fight or flight)? How is my nervous system doing? Does it feel safe to relax? Once I get the energy and thoughts right, actions follow. Somedays, I am feeling action driven and I want to do, do, do – those days, I make a list of actions that line up with how I want to feel and think. This is how I am cultivating wholeness on a daily basis.

Beware of being triggered. The trigger is within one self – not in something outside of you. Saying something or someone triggers you is throwing away your power. Accepting responsibility for the trigger is where your power resides and opens door to a new way of being – a freer way of being. Simple question of asking, “what part of me is feeling triggered from this external situation?” will being the process of reclaiming your power. Triggers are opportunities for growth and healing in disguise.

Can you imagine being a person who isn’t triggered by anything? Isn’t that true power? Isn’t that wholeness? Isn’t that what love is? This is what self love looks like – I love myself so much that I refuse to give anything outside of me any control/power over me. That you reside in the centre of your being – the seat of your soul. To get to this way of being is the reason your soul chose the childhood experiences that you had. That despite what happened to you, your soul’s power gets revealed in you and around you. That you break the pattern of “hurt people hurt people” and lead to the healing of this planet in your own unique way.

P.S.: This post was triggered by a sense of fear (not feeling safe) coming up that I leaned into when I was staring outside at the grey sky from behind my kitchen bench. I leaned into the fear and asked her what was going on – she was scared because today she stayed in bed till 10am. And I simply explained to her lovingly that she is free to be and there is no one around her to make her feel bad for staying in bed for longer than usual, especially me. And this is how I stopped gaslighting myself by taking radical responsibility for what I was feeling.

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