I was talking to a girl friend over coffee the other day and one of things that came up was the “father wounds/daddy issues” that we seemed to share. It’s the seeming rejection which seems to play out in my relationships with potential romantic partners. I have been thinking and feeling into this rejection situation…

It’s an illusion – I understand it intellectually, of course. And I have forgiven my father. My ego did it this way – Just because he rejected me doesn’t mean that I have to reject myself. I accept myself and I don’t care about what any man does… As empowering as that sounds, it’s very limiting and creates even more separation – all mechanisms for the ego to protect itself and hold on to the hurt. These are the ways of the victim – a really really fearful ego. If I am still carrying hurts around me for decades and keep adding on more data to support the illusion by creating similar experiences on repeat, then intellectual understanding is not enough for one to heal and break out of the illusion. If it was, I would be enlightened for sure by now. Also, it’s not forgiveness if I am still going around feeling hurt… and fooling myself by “forgiving” and continuing to create the same situation over and over again. As one of my mentors put it, “why do you keep scratching the same wound?”.

So why do we keep scratching the same wound? Because, it is still a memory with an emotional charge. If I am feeling hurt, then the illusion is real. For the child, it was real. No point gaslighting myself and telling myself to get over it. I did that for a very long time – after all that’s what was modelled by the adults around me – no room to express one’s feelings and suppress them instead. The things we learn from our parents/caregivers are sometimes insane. For example, I witnessed physical violence between my aunt and her husband… I told my father about it and he asked his sister (my aunt) about it and make sure she was okay. Later, my aunt pulled me aside and told me not to tell these things to anyone and to keep them a secret. I was four at the time. And then a year later, when one of my uncles started molesting me, he told me to not tell anyone either. And that of course supported what my aunt had taught me and by this time, I was living with her permanently (her house, her rules) – so I didn’t tell my father. Insanity! And then the family acts surprised because I didn’t tell anyone in the family for decades about the abuse that went on for a decade. Say hello to complex trauma!

Anyway, back to bursting the illusion. The way to get over it is to get over the hurt – feel the hurt and let it be released from the system. It is important to acknowledge the hurt and feel it for once and all instead of suppressing it. And then to acknowledge the illusion and instead of creating separation as I did before, now I am making new choices – that love and acceptance are available to me, through me as well as others. And good men can and do show up for me. I am important and I am a priority. It’s about landing in those feelings and staying there. Unfortunately, because we have built up so much evidence for the illusion from repeat patterns in the past, it can be hard work. But this is the real work – to stay in awareness and keep dissolving the illusory thoughts/feelings as they come up. And I guarantee that they will come up. This is where you get to be the observer and say no the old no matter how convincing the mind may be. This is the way of the creator – see the illusion and go beyond it in your mind to the preference – to the truth of your being – that you are loved and accepted no matter what.

Now, forgiveness is possible. As you become the observer of your own experience, it becomes easier to observe others also…My father did what he did – from his vantage point, that’s all he knew to do. My aunt did what she did – hurt people hurt people. My uncle did what he did – truly weak people hurt children. As Jesus said – “pray for your enemies” and “forgive them father, for they know not what they do”. They are stuck in their illusions. Maybe it’s not their time to wake up, but it was my time to wake up and they played their parts to help me create the illusions to wake up from. I am grateful for them and for the roles they played. I don’t expect them to behave any differently now. Do I invite them back into my life and act like nothing ever happened? Absolutely not. Human experience also needs to acknowledged – you don’t keep going back to the snake that bit you the first time. What I am free of is the emotional charge and these memories have now turned into wisdom (to use Dr Joe Dispenza’s language). And these memories don’t take me back into victimhood as they did in the past. I can still stay in my preferences – in my truth.

There will be yo-yos between the illusion and the truth. The stacked evidence of past experiences will try and pull you back to the old/familiar miserable states of being. Especially if the trauma was complex (repeated over and over again) vs a one time event. I used to believe that change wasn’t possible for me – that that’s how my life was going to be – same shit different day. But there will be a tipping point (and has been for me). You will find yourself in the unfamiliar as I am currently finding myself in the unfamiliar feelings/thoughts etc. Unfamiliar = unknown = quantum field = realm of all possibilities. This is where the creator hangs out most of the time – in the realm of creation. Now all of your energy can be focussed on creating the new because you have released the emotions of the past and seen the illusions for what they are – not real. Creation is a game of managing your energy by managing your attention.

Before, I was trying so hard to change – to run from the illusory tiger chasing me. I was always trying, and trying so hard. As I now know, trying gets you nowhere and keeps you stuck in the same loop. Yoda was wise in saying, “do or do not, there is not try”. I get it now. I used to make long lists of things I was going to do and for a while those tactics used to work for me to some extent. About a month ago, I would make a list of things I must do and then fail to do any of those things within a day or two. Couple of weeks ago, it hit me – it was time to do less. As a child, one of the ways I believed I would get acceptance was by being a high performer – so doing had never been an issue for me. This was a coping mechanism. Since that awareness, I have set multiple reminders of things I want to do everyday and somedays I am able to do all of them, somedays I don’t and it is completely fine by me if I don’t do every item on the list… more lenient I am with myself, more I find myself getting to all the items on the list with ease and joy. I am not suffering or pushing myself anymore. Whether I do or I don’t, I know myself to be worthy of love and acceptance. It no longer needs to be earned, its who I am – a worthy being, a loving being.

What I once believed was the end of my life was really the beginning of my awakening. What a gift!

All I can say internally to anyone and everyone in my experience is – Thank you, I love you.

After all, that’s the energy of the creator and the quantum field – its all love.