This blog is more like a journal entry that I am writing for my own reference. Last four weeks or so have been a big question mark for me. It seemed like ground hog day and when it came to the work I do, it seemed to slow down, actually felt like there was no movement in the industry (finance) and I sensed so much desperation and fear in people I was dealing with. The overall financial landscape over here has been gloomy over the last month. I pay attention to trends and I knew that there was nothing personal going on… it was just a slow few weeks. I decided to see this as time as an opportunity to turn within.

I understand that everything in life has ebbs and flows and that understanding certainly helped me stayed calm and turn within. I watched parts of me come to surface that had been dormant for decades and also parts of me falling apart knowing their time to die had come. One Friday I remember, I was sitting in my living room and suddenly everything around me just reflected abundance and any sense and awareness of lack just fell away. Believe me, I know lack – I was born in lack and up until that day, there was a part of me that was strongly rooted in lack.

Another day, I went for a walk alongside the river and an image of the house I spent first few years of my life flashed in front of my eyes. To be reminded of where I was born and to see where I am today, a profound sense of gratitude overcame me and I felt my heart open up a bit and I was in awe of life, I had never felt so supported by life as I did in those moments. I used to practice gratitude a lot in the past, but more as a “technique” to bring in more of what I wanted. This time, it was different. I wasn’t applying any techniques… it simply came over me. And now I know what true gratitude feels like.

Speaking of techniques, I tried all sorts of techniques to move myself out of the slump, but not one of them bloody worked. They worked every single time in the past, not anymore. This was new. But I could feel the energy I was doing the techniques from was that of quiet desperation – deep down I was scared – really fucking scared. I hadn’t met this part of me before. I made time for fear and invited it and all its cousins. And they started showing up – every day. For the last 3 weeks at least, I know I have cried every single day, multiple times on most days and it has been so cathartic and healing in so many ways. I have gone from feeling joy, to sadness to rage, I have cursed everyone including God… boy! did it feel good to finally feel.

As a child, I was taught to suppress my feelings as no one had time or the wisdom to help me navigate what I was feeling. So I was mad at my mum for her early exit (I was only five and half yrs old) and leaving me to this dysfunctional group of people. I was mad at my Dad for the seeming rejections I felt from him. I was mad at God for all the times I felt so powerless – utterly powerless. I felt gaslit by every bloody spiritual teacher/coach who told me that I was powerful! What bullshit! But I was feeling it all – I was finally out of my head and into my heart and body. My heart ached, it cried a lot. I finally had the chance to grieve the losses fully, especially the loss of connection with my mum.

The parts of me that had formed post mum’s illness/death were now getting tired. I didn’t have any energy to control anything, try and make anything happen, to keep me safe… I just observed them. I was finally detaching from those states of being. The more I observed, the less they felt the need to do anything. Their ways weren’t working any longer. I was surrendering more and more each day as I was observing more and more of me each day. There were some parts of me that were coming online again – parts of me that knew how to feel delight and wonder and be in the moment and savour it. Parts of me that felt safe to ask for what I needed from others.

A whole lot of thinking/believing patterns came undone as I stopped and observed each time some emotion started to stir in me. I was able to be with parts of me that were crying for attention, needing to be held and loved. The more time I spent with them, conversing with them, more they revealed themselves to me. For once, I was starting to feel some sort of connection with myself. I was feeling more and more whole despite feeling like I was falling apart on some days. I kept allowing myself to be curious and stay in wonder about whatever was coming up instead of getting scared and pushing it all away creating more and more resistance. Now, I welcome any signs of resistance.

There have been some wonderful side effects of all this emotional experiencing. As I have allowed to feel and release emotions, suddenly I found myself signing up and doing yoga four times per week and just over the last few days, I have had this new found resolve to eat differently and make better food choices that will certainly help me towards shedding of some excess weight that I have carried on and off over the last decade or so. It always came back on and at some point, I knew it had something to do with the emotional baggage that I was dragging around. Now, it feels like it’s ready to go and its guiding me towards better choices. I am no longer emotionally eating, instead eating for nutrition and health. And I love and appreciate my body in all its glory.

I learned what true surrender is. Its accepting what is exactly as it is and trusting that I am always taken care of no matter what. Over the last few weeks, I have gone from getting in touch with feeling completely helpless/powerless in life as a child to intentionally surrendering to life now. Both the states are on the opposite ends of the same scale. One resides in fear and another is rooted in faith. Now I intentionally choose faith over fear. Work has still been slow but I know it will sort itself out and I am making the most of all this time I have for myself. These 4 weeks or so at the beginning felt like the end of the world as I did as a child around my mum’s passing but have been a beautiful opportunity in disguise for me to meet my child self , to see and love her- all parts of her, make her feel safe and loved.

Earlier this year, I had come out of a meditation and I was going to bed with some questions to God – and what came to me was “intentionally Surrendered”. I got up and wrote that down somewhere before going back to bed again. When I felt inclined to start writing again – it instinctively felt right to name the blog “intentionally surrendered”. And over the last month, I feel that I have been initiated into that way of being and I understand it somatically now, not just a concept in my head.

P.S.: By the way, when did surrender become a technique to manifest… like what the f?! Scrolling on YouTube, I came across some coaches/influencers teaching people how to surrender to manifest… seriously! I am so over these techniques and any Tom Dick or Harry using buzz words to make a buck! Expect a rant in one of the future blogs on the “techniques”!